WHEN TERMITES ATTACK

                           

I arrived at Skippen Seniors to take them up the coast to be met with grave faces.  It was the death in the family type look.  "We  can't go to the cost for three weeks....we have TERMITES !!!!! ". AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH.  Not that my Mum is want to make a mountain out of a termite nest , but the little suckers, or in this case chompers have had them surrounded. It was only a matter of time. They're on the march and we're only half way through February.  These ravenous little buggers are working their way through the calendar. I pacified my now grief stricken parents, told them all would be fine, leave it in No. 1 Son's hands, the coast will be good termite therapy. I'll look after your sawdust pile.

I got on to my mate Mav, he's a termite manager. How about that, they even have their own management.  I could even see the posters...THE TERMITES...NOW APPEARING AT YOUR HOUSE.  They'll stop at nothing. I met Mav for the walk through at the place that holds my pubescent memories. Yes we started in the toilet under the house, now minus the magazines. And I thought termites only ate wood, not the derivatives. 

 Mav had his khaki camos on so the termites couldn't see him coming in this daylight reconnaissance. He had his probes, cameras and thermal imaging gear to track them, we were on to them. They love the moist dark cracks to get in and start their work. I stopped to check my undies but Mav assured me I was safe.

 Even though they're an efficient wood eating machine they are slackers too and prefer to go for the soft wood porn over the harder stuff. But they will have a crack at that as well. They don't eat up their veges either. They just chew out the under stuff and leave the paint on top. Yeah a great joke until you lean on your wall and end up in the next door neighbours.

 They're pretty adept at adapting too. If they don't have a Queen for their nest, one of the soldiers takes one for the team and goes the turn. Drags himself to the throne.  Can't you see it on the internest ? "Divine. But what were they thinking with this colour scheme. Mission Brown is so last year."

Anyway we tracked them, it wasn't too bad and" Mav the Manager" reckoned we could ruin their latest gig. They had managed to munch out the innards of Dad's pine saw- horses up in the rafters. Crafty little woodworkers that they are. They were left  like Nicki Minaj, all painted up but nothing inside. The good news was the little tackers hadn't gone upstairs. They obviously knew that Mum would have made them wipe their feet before they came inside.  I was so relieved .  I had some stuff upstairs.  I couldn't bear the thought of these little tone deaf mongrels sinking their fangs into my old 45's. They would have salivated over Elvis'" Wooden Heart" and The Fab Four's" Norwegian Wood". I had visions of Dylan and me  " Knocking On Heaven's Door" and putting my fist straight through it.

So we got them. Fogged , baited and blogged. No more pineing. They've "upped stumps".

THE TERMITES HAVE LEFT THE BUILDING !